At the start of every year, I write a letter. To myself, to God. Thinking and praying about the year ahead and what I want out of it. Not a resolutions list, but voicing what I feel God has put on my heart. How I want to see God move, how I want to grow spiritually.
So far, the prayers I write have been answered. God sees me.
I’ve just read the one I wrote at the beginning of this year, and I thought I’d share some of the themes in my 2020 letter. In reading it for the first time since writing it, I’d forgotten most of what I had written. That’s part of the beauty, I think; in realizing God doesn’t forget my prayers even when I do.
THEME 1: VULNERABILITY
I wrote a lot about wanting to be more open and vulnerable. In my relationship with God, and with others. I wanted more of my heart to be exposed, but in a good way. In a healing way. In the sense of giving and taking, weakening and strengthening.
I believe this prayer to be answered, though I also know it’s something I will continue to grow in the rest of my life. It’s not something that comes easily to me, but I have stepped into it more this year. I think I’ve had to, in a way. I moved and met new people and in building relationships with them and wanting to connect with them on a personal level, I have to be vulnerable sometimes. If I want connection and community, I can’t keep all my conversations surface level. I need to invite people in and trust. (With the right people and in the right situations, of course. There is a time and a place.)
THEME 2: FREEDOM
Free from guilt, burdens, responsibility that isn’t mine to carry. Freedom that can come from being open and vulnerable and not keeping it all inside all the time. Freedom that can come from knowing God’s true nature, in having a clearer image of who He is and who He isn’t.
Again, freedom isn’t something that comes around once and then that’s it. It’s something that we continually need, and from different things. Because I’m free in ways that I wasn’t a year or two ago, but I am also burdened by new things. I’m constantly needing to hand things over to God.
THEME 3: LOVE
I want to share exactly what I wrote in my letter/prayer…
“I want 2020 to be a year of love. Complete, unconditional, raw, love. A softening love. One that exposes me and gives and takes and heals and opens and undoes. But puts back together and makes whole. I want my heart to heal, to be made whole. I want to love, and to be loved.
I want to love God this year more than I ever have before. I want to feel more love for Him and feel the love He has for me like never before. I want to rid myself of all those lies that prevent me from knowing the amazing love of God. I don’t want any bitterness or resentment in me. No jealousy or thinking God has favourites. Just love. Just love and worship in my heart.”
Again, this is such a big thing that I will always be walking in, always be reminding myself of. My eyes will always need to be further opened to God and His ways and the overwhelming measure of His love.
I don’t know what 2021 will involve, but I know I’ll be writing God another letter at the start of January.