This past week, I have intentionally chosen silence over noise. To be alone with God instead of filling every pause with something to watch or something to listen to. I have been convicted to fast from watching tv, at least during the week. I’m not sure how long I will do this for, but I’m happy to keep going as long as God wants me to. As long as I need to.
If you know me in person, you know that I don’t like technology. Any time someone mentions their Apple phone I will happily tell them it’s evil. And even though it’s become a bit of a joke, these things do have power over people and can quickly take over their life. Time moves quickly when we engage in these passive experiences, like scrolling social media or binge watching shows. Even in the last week I have found myself listening to God more, and wanting to hear Him more, because I am in a space to do so. Time is moving slowly and I am naturally using it to seek Him, to pray. I think there is an urgency these days, to find God and know Him more. Not just for me.
I think I can easily miss out on so much of what God is saying because if I put the tv on, I can stop myself from processing experiences and emotions. In some ways I have felt more ‘negative’ emotions this past week. But at the end of it there is a clarity and a peace and a knowing that God has my life in His hands. If I didn’t process these things with Him, and let myself be alone with these thoughts, I wouldn’t be happier, I would have just numbed the feeling down. Distracted myself away from it. But when I do, it’s going to come back and be bigger later on because I haven’t dealt with the root of why I’m feeling that way. I have learnt the hard way that letting things build up doesn’t help anyone.
I have been reading more, writing more. After three days of not watching tv I found myself working on poetry and editing some of my old stories. The passion I used to have for writing, that I thought had lessened due to working full time, is back. I have the same amount of time at home that I did two weeks ago, but I want to use it differently. Just because I have been living one way, doesn’t mean I can’t change a habit. Make it better.
I don’t think I have all the answers. I do not live perfectly. But I am learning, and I am teachable. I do not want to be complacent, comfortable (well, a small part of me does). I want to be open to where God is guiding me, what He is wanting me to understand. When things are uncomfortable, when I want to react in a way that I know Jesus would not, I pray to dig into those moments and grow from them.
If my life is to tend a garden, then I need to realise it is not all looking at flowers and sitting in the sunshine. It is pulling out weeds, ripping them up by the root. It is pruning, cutting away what is dead, what is sick, so disease doesn’t spread. It’s hard work. It can be painful work. But there is beauty and reward also.
Sarah xx
the softest words 