The Losses of Winter

Some time has passed since I last wrote. I turned twenty seven. I made pumpkin soup.

I like winter because it is quiet. While it is in a sense a grand death, it is also subtle. It doesn’t draw attention to itself but slowly falls over the land. It reminds me that to grow is to experience loss. To find the rebirth of spring we must experience the falling away of the old. Of what has died. Leaves, branches, flowers. In their death they fall and make way for new life. What is old feeds the ground, giving strength to the growth that will come.

Turning twenty seven felt like this. I don’t mind ageing, and have great respect to those who do so gracefully. But this year was the first I was overly aware that my body is growing older. More so, in the sense that I have not had children. Whether we like to admit it or not, women can only do so within a set period of time.

I remember that God has numbered my days. It is a fact I hold onto when I ask Him why, and when I don’t receive an answer. I am humbled that God has orchestrated the timing of the entire universe, humbled that there are so many unknowns. In the grand scheme of things, it is a small loss; of not being a “young” mum, if one at all. When I was a teenager I wasn’t overly inspired to have children, but still assumed I would one day. Now it is the other way around. God knew that would happen. God also never promised we would get everything we want.

I look around, at this life I have. God has given me everything I need; He has given me Himself.

Last weekend started cold but quickly bloomed into some wonderful sunshine. I opened all the windows, cleaned the house. Winter may contain small losses, but can also lead us to small joys. Pumpkin soup in the fridge. A neat pile of ironing. Time spent in a good book.

At church last Sunday, I was reminded to put to death our old self. To have all that is wrong within us burnt up so that only the good remains. So that only the new life, that new man in Christ, remains. When we give up our old self, we have room for the new. “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for [Jesus’] sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:25)

I have been on a long journey of finding contentment. Of accepting God’s will for my life and truly surrendering my own wants and plans. In The Path of Loneliness, Elisabeth Elliot writes, “God has promised to supply our needs. What we don’t have now we don’t need now.” I come back to this again and again. It is a very simple fact, one I cannot doubt.

God has always provided me with what I need. He is a faithful God, true to His word. In every loss, may I be reminded of the greatest gain; life with Him!

Sarah xx