Dear friend,
I used to think my relationship with God was like a train on a track. I would gain speed, then stop, over and over. Only some sort of dramatic prayer would let me go on again, as though I had to find special words to allow me to continue. I used to think the only way forward would come from a massive breakthrough.
But now I know my relationship with God is a steady walk.
Some days I can run and other days I can barely move at all. Some days God tells me to stop and look at what I’ve achieved, while other days I must keep my eyes forward. Heavenward.
My life, my relationship with God, is not only pushed forward by big, obvious moments, but by constant communication, that ongoing trek that can feel impossibly slow at times.
There are moments when the walk is breezy, when I feel God’s hand in my own and I know for certain He is guiding, speaking, listening. When we walk through the night I have seen Him light the path. I have opened my eyes at dawn and seen Him keep watch. I have seen Him not lose patience when we set out each morning.
So too have there been times when my bag feels heavy and I do not let Him carry it. Times when the trail is so steep it feels like I am not making progress. Times when I walk backwards, take a detour, find my way past the same tree again and again.
There have been times of silence. There have been times of breakthrough.
There has been joy, understanding, peace. Also confusion, blame, and doubt. I have known seasons of loneliness, which feel like holding out your hands and receiving nothing. I have known seasons of abundance, when answers seem to land perfectly in my lap when I wasn’t looking. But always, upon looking back at where I have been, I see where God was, I see how He never left, I see how He has always given me grace, mercy, and love.
Sometimes I look back at the painful moments in my life and gold film covers the memories. Not because I am romanticising grief, but because from where I stand I can see how God held me, spoke to me, loved me, and used the situation. It is important to turn around and survey our surroundings, past and present. It is important to remember the things God has done for us, given us.
This is not to say the trek is always easy. Only that when I am reminded of all God has done in the past, the future does not seem so intimidating.
I remember, and there is joy.
Sarah xx
Currently listening: My Love by Florence and the Machine
Currently reading: Olive, Again by Elizabeth Strout
the softest words 