Learning to Create

Over the months I’ve had people ask me why I’m not on social media. My flippant answer is I don’t like who I am online.

But to break it down further, I’d say I like who I am offline. Where there’s space to breathe. Or maybe, the world is better when you’re looking out the window instead of looking at a screen. Where all the details, all the imperfections and glorious little marks, can be seen instead of blurred.

Some of my favourite photos are the ones I wasn’t looking for. I didn’t go searching, I simply went outside and something captured my attention. I take a photo, not necessarily to take a good photo, but to grasp a tiny piece of a moment – when the air smelled fresh after the rain and the sky cleared and the world woke up.

In honour of trying to live a fuller life offline, I have recently taken up painting (and by recently, I mean yesterday!). Visual arts is a form of creativity I haven’t seriously tried my hand at before, but I do know it’s not something that comes naturally to me. But that’s the appeal; I want a way to switch off that doesn’t involve a screen. I want to delve more into creativity that’s outside of writing yet will enhance my writing. I want to make some ugly art.

I’ve already really enjoyed myself. Yesterday I spent multiple hours tucked away with a new set of acrylic paints, and for the first time I wasn’t scared of the blank page. Normally when I start a new notebook, there’s a sense of trepidation as I work up the courage to write on the first page. There’s always that thought what if my words don’t read like I want them too or what if my handwriting is ugly. (I don’t really know why I get so caught up on that second point – my handwriting is always ugly. We know this as fact!) But when I opened that visual arts diary, I didn’t have any fears or insecurities; I just wanted to start.

Maybe it’s because I went into it without any expectations except to make something ugly. The purpose of my art isn’t to be seen or to be good, it’s to be creative. It’s to have a new outlet. It’s to live a balanced life that’s not saturated with noise and distraction and addiction. It’s a way of feeding the creativity God placed in me.

To my delight, what I painted wasn’t even ugly. To my delight, I didn’t dislike myself afterwards. To my delight, time went slowly and I didn’t rush through the day wondering where the hours went. I think the key isn’t as strict as “stop consuming all media”, but “don’t consume more than you create”.

I have spent so much of my adult life reading and watching motivating and inspiring content. Reading about writers, reading about others who found freedom in digital detoxes and decluttering and learning to sew. And consuming this kind of content can feel accomplishing, almost. You feel their victory and their peace and their joy through the screen.

But it still isn’t creating. It still isn’t experiencing. I can read about their contentment and then go to sleep wondering why I don’t want to go to work in the morning. Or why I don’t feel like cooking myself dinner, or going for a walk, or picking up that book.

Don’t get me wrong, I will always consume this kind of content. I think it’s important and beautiful and encouraging. But if all I do is consume? If all I do is watch other people experience this freedom while I waste away in my cave of insecurity and laziness? That’s not the life God intended for me.

I think we do know in ourselves if we are truly resting and consuming media in an intentional and healthy way. I know when I’m watching TV for emotional comfort or distraction instead of facing why I’m upset. I know when I’m on my phone to avoid the fear of my writing not being that good instead of actually trying.

But putting off that creative project doesn’t make us less afraid or insecure; I’ve found it often exacerbates these hindrances that sit below the surface. The longer I go between blogging, the harder it is to sit down and write. The longer I go between playing guitar, the easier it is to ignore it. Meanwhile, that self condemnation sinks deeper and deeper and I feel more and more disappointed and discontent.

God created us to create. In small ways, in unexpected ways, in daily ways. Creativity is threaded into our being and is part of how we function.

When I am consuming more than I am creating, I find myself discontent in a lot of areas and complaining about those things I have to do. But when I am creating more, the other areas of my life also feel more fulfilling, more adventurous and beautiful.

I have learnt a lot about contentment over the years, when things don’t go the way I think they will. Creativity has helped open my heart to being patient and gentle and joyful. Creativity is a way of seeking beauty and finding that peace that can only come from God and that is often inexplicable to others. It’s an inner knowledge of the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness; being creative shows me that God is good and faithful. It shows me that we do not need to choose bitterness or disappointment or fear as our foundation.

When we create, we refine what we believe about God and about ourselves. When we only consume, we can become complacent and not even realise that our voice is blending in with the world around us. Creativity says that something is important enough to spend time and energy on, even if it doesn’t bring us material success.

My weekend is nearly over, which means I have work tomorrow. The weeks go quickly and they can hold moments of stress and tension and balancing the emotions and opinions of those I work with. But I will always have time to slow down, to seek the Lord, and to ground myself in Truth. I pray I do not miss those moments or throw them away.

Sarah xx