the life I live and the life I want

This Sunday has been a good one… I made pumpkin soup for the first time! It is currently simmering on the stove, and soon I will blend it before adding some cream. At the beginning of autumn, I made it my mission to make soup every weekend. The purpose of this is to have lunches for work made in advance and to enjoy something warm that isn’t as filling as dinner. Having a vegetable soup of some sort means I can still enjoy a hearty meal when I get home from work; beef casserole, slow cooked chicken, gnocchi.

Prior to this season, I had never made soup before. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always liked eating it, but it was something I never made myself. I am enjoying cooking a new soup every week. At some stage I’ll begin to remake my favourites, but it is still early enough that I haven’t discovered every soup ever made.

At times like this, there is contentment in where I am. In deciding I want to try something and simply doing it. When the windows are open and it’s a sunny day and soup is cooking on the stove I can easily say, yes. This is the life I always wanted. Because aspects of it are what I imagined “growing up” to be.

When I was studying at university and working part-time, I couldn’t imagine having a full-time job. Somewhere I went everyday and simply… did the thing. And was competent at it! It’s funny now my life has such a distinct routine, yet I never imagined this becoming normal. How to learn a new job! How to find a place to live! I had no idea how such things would eventuate… yet here I am, and they are so normal they don’t require conscious thought. I simply do live here, I simply do the work I am paid to do.

It is an odd fact of life. Considering I always thought I would be married by now, with kids becoming a priority. I never thought I would be a blouse-wearing career woman. And, okay, so I’m probably not what you would call a career woman. But I do wear blouses sometimes! And actually enjoy it. Because they’re pretty.

Of course there is that knowledge of – this isn’t quite what I want. It’s not fully there. Just because I am living a good life does not mean I have stopped wanting those other things. But a new sort of surrender comes from this place. A surrender – and trust – in God that all I require He has given. There are prayers for more, but there is also a prayer for my heart to remain ever in Him, content and joyful.

I find it embarrassing to admit I don’t want to be single forever. I don’t know why, because most people are in that boat. Embarrassed perhaps because it can sound pitiful; I want this thing but no one wants me.

But I look back and see how God has worked everything out for His good… how His plans have always been better than my own. The relief in not having to sort it all out on my own. I worship and am full and I know God really is all we need, however many things there are to want in this life.

It is time to blend the soup and I know my life is good. While my emotions waver and some days feel harder than others, here is God, walking me through it all. That is the greatest gift.

Sarah xx

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