I was going to share my July reads, but truth be told I finished one book this month and it was Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak. Yes, the children’s book.
I hadn’t written any poems for a while, until yesterday. It feels good to be writing them again. I know I often say I want to publish a novel – which I do – but writing poetry will always be significant to me. Here it is!
Changing (written by Sarah Bennett)
Two years ago I read books in the hopes of remembering everything in vivid detail.
Now I read and I reach for something smaller, something I can fold myself into. I don’t understand how something so encompassing can be cut off without a second thought. I don’t understand why it doesn’t hurt like I thought it would.
A month ago I told myself I wouldn’t write about it because I thought it would be too painful. Now I realise it wasn’t grief holding me back, but the fact I have nothing left to say. I still don’t know how I can walk away without feeling like I’m holding my tongue. Maybe that says it all.
There are so many things I need to be doing, like finding a job and being better, only I am too busy planning the funeral for the memories I do not want to own. I can’t imagine loving someone else but that does not mean I want the past, only that things take time and I finally have enough of it. What used to be a house without windows has become an endless ocean and I want to hold all of it in my hands.
I am forever chasing change, the feeling that things are no longer the same. Now nothing is the same and it doesn’t feel good, it feels normal. I think this is the way it should be.
Two years ago I was searching for the light and I thought it came back to me in the shape of an apology. Now I am trying to feel warm again, only I do not want someone else to take away the cold.
This is not a step backwards, it is something good.