I’m in a new space. One where I am the furthest away from what I thought my future would be, but closest to the one that will eventualise. It’s a funny feeling. This isn’t what I would have chosen for myself, but most things become normal very quickly. Of course there are moments when I think about my previous relationship and the ways life was good. But I also know I am looking at the past without remembering it in full. Because this year has been difficult, and most of the time I was asking God for a way out. And now here I am, with my way out and no clue what comes next.
I think what comes next is good. I have always been a believer in things turning out because they have to, and while I wouldn’t exactly call this “turning out”, I suppose here is where I trust that God is in control and has a plan. Hopefully better than the ones I had for myself.
I have spent so long asking God for things to be good, and while it seems selfish, I am still asking. He has looked after me before, and He will look after me again – I suppose that is what I mean when I say “good”. Not that I have a perfect life full of every dream I’ve ever dreamed, but that He will get me through and remain my Lord, Father and friend. That everything that happens to me brings me closer to Him. I do not need assurance of a successful life overflowing with happiness, only that He will not give up on me. That I will continue on, always trying to remain in Him.
I have been wanting something warm. Two years ago, when I was writing about what follows a breakup, I used the term “searching for the light”. I had nearly forgotten what I meant when I wrote that. But now here I am again, and I am looking for something warm. There have been so many practical tasks and temporary goodbyes that I have not been focusing on the permanent goodbye a breakup brings. It’s a strange concept, and has left me cold. I want warmth again.
But I know that, just like two years ago, I will continue to take the next right step, each day at a time, and do what I can. I will take each opportunity handed to me and things will be fine. They are already fine, but they will become more and more fine as time goes on.
I have started writing more recently. It’s a strange time, because amongst the move and the goodbyes I still have uni work to complete, though I have been taking that maybe a bit too slowly. But I started writing more, and while at the moment most of what I write is thoughts and feelings I am processing, they will lead to poems and stories that I might share or might not. I do not want all my words to be about confusion or letting go, but if that’s where the story begins then that is what I will write. Only it will not finish there; grief is not the final product.
There is only so much you can do when looking for work. I am as settled as I can be in this in-between phase, and trying to rest and give myself grace whilst also looking forward to what is next. Who knows what that will be? Hopefully, though, it involves me finding the perfect cosy armchair for reading that I can place near an open, sunny window, in a house I can afford to live in.
Until next time,