the dreams of a fifteen year old

the dreams of a fifteen year old (compared to the realities of a twenty three year old).

Well.

Do you ever look back on a pivotal moment in your life and can’t quite believe it happened, and happened to you?

I still feel that way about moving out of home.

It’s completely normal to be living independently, but a part of me still can’t quite believe that it happened, and that I did it, and that I used to have a different normal.

I never thought I’d move out and be on my own; when I was younger I assumed I’d get married and move in with someone else right away. Funnily enough, that was my answer to other problems, too. When I was fifteen I didn’t want to learn to drive, and instead assumed that my husband – who was only a few years away, surely! – would already have a car so I wouldn’t need to buy one and would drive me everywhere I needed to go.

Well, I now own a car and drive myself everywhere, and I can tell you I’m thankful my parents ‘made’ me get my license. (Interestingly, I was the sibling who didn’t want to drive at all yet got my license at the youngest age. How this happened is a mystery.)

Similarly, the skill of cooking would come naturally the moment I was engaged.

Why did I think these things? It’s ridiculous, reading it now. That I thought I wouldn’t be capable at… simply living. That only due to someone else’s needs would I learn important life skills, or would pass the responsibility of learning them to someone else.

All of this is not to say there’s anything wrong with marrying young or moving out of your parents’ home and into a house with someone else. Rather, it’s to say that my attitude surrounding the whole thing wasn’t right. Of course there’s nothing wrong with learning independence with a significant other, but my position was that they would solve my problems or give me a way out of dealing with the things that, truth be told, I still don’t always want to deal with.

Getting my car serviced was something I almost dreaded. Finding a doctor wasn’t something I found fun. Becoming a comfortable driver wasn’t always easy. But they are all things I’ve had to deal with, simply because… I have to. If I don’t deal with them, my problems will grow a lot worse.

And this is life, isn’t it? Things crop up constantly that require our time and energy even though we’d rather be doing something else. We’re busy working or studying or we finally have a day to ourselves, and the thought of going to the dentist (which I still need to do, by the way) or researching car insurance fills us with frustration.

Or is it just me who wishes things were easier?

But even if I was married young (What even is ‘young’, anyway? Aren’t I still young? Surely I’m not at old-spinster level yet.) (Not that there’s anything wrong with spinning thread, which is one of the definitions of spinster, alongside an unmarried woman.) (Okay, spinning thread sounds pretty good, actually.), I’d still have plenty of things to deal with. And I like to think my phantom-husband would have other things to do – perhaps, you know, a job – rather than to drive me around all day and book my dentist’s appointment. (Though, it would be nice if someone did this for me…?)

I suppose I’m just thinking about life, and how so far nothing has turned out the way fifteen-year-old me thought it would. Which is most definitely for the best. I have learnt and achieved things I never thought I’d do and have found happiness in those I never would have considered. Because God’s plans are the best of all, and the life He has for me is more than anything I could build for myself.

I’ll drink (a cup of tea) to that.

Sarah xx