I’ve been thinking so much about my future lately, with my head down as I march towards the next thing. But today I was reminded of what has brought me to this time.
At the end of 2017, I moved back home after living in Sydney for two years. I’ve never regretted this decision, despite the long jobless, churchless days. (Well, I’m still in churchless days, but that’s a topic for another post.) It always felt right to move back home, just as it feels right for me to now begin studying.
There were many moments over the last year and a half where I thought to myself, now would be a good time to start studying, to start doing something. With only a part-time job to keep me occupied, it felt almost ridiculous to not be committing to other things.
But it is now, now that I know my motivations for studying are good, and honest. If I had started studying a year ago, it would have been partly just to have something to tell people. It was nerve-wracking, for myself and others, to admit I wasn’t very busy or dedicated to much. To hide behind the productivity of university would have been a healing balm. It would announce I wasn’t wasting my life, would reassure that I had some ounce of ambition.
And yet, having so much free time in the past year has been beneficial to me, and God’s way of teaching me about rest and creativity and outward appearances (or, caring too much about what other people thought of my life and decisions). Does it matter if that one person thinks I’m not busy enough, if they think I’m lazy or wasting my time; do I, does God, think that about me?
God has always let me know what my next step in life should be, has always proved I can trust Him. So when I wasn’t feeling certain about study, it meant it wasn’t the right time yet, regardless of what anyone else – myself included – thought I should be doing.
The freedom I’ve had in the past year has allowed me to nurture this blog as a priority. It has allowed me to dedicate large chunks of time to writing all the things (I’ve been able to explore poems and novels and blogging). I’ve had the space to focus on books and I’ve loved writing about what I’m reading. I’ve had the chance to sit with myself and process feelings and experiences before spinning them into longer blog posts, and I’ve loved inviting you, reader, into those thoughtful pieces (such as this and this).
The past months have been building toward my confidence in studying writing. I now have a clearer idea of where I want to invest my creativity, of how I want to spend my time, as well as being happy with my choice for something that doesn’t offer an obvious job.
In thinking about what has led me to where I am now, I also see how certain relationships in my life have been prioritised and strengthened in the past year. Earthly relationships, which I cherish, but also my relationship with God.
I see how God has been present in every second, in every detail, constantly moving in my life and in others’ lives around me.
No matter how much I love writing, Jesus is my saviour and God my first love, my reason for all that I do. He is the one who has given the passion of words to me, who has given me the ability to use them, for myself and others. He is the one who has led me to where I am today, to who I am today.
I write to give Him glory, and I will study to do the same. I owe all that I am to all that He is.
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