Slowing Down

I didn’t write as many blog posts this May. Let’s talk about that.

In some ways I have never written more, but in other ways I’ve never written less. In terms of this blog, I wrote down a lot of one-liners or starts to a blog post, but most haven’t come into fruition yet. Whenever I felt like blogging I’d look at them all and just think “nope”.

If I spent time on each of them, I’d manage to write something decent, I know that. Creativity has to be worked on; I can’t just expect a blank page to fill itself. It’s not that I was unmotivated, it’s more I have less headspace right now.

You could argue that I’m not doing much (which translates simply to: I don’t have a full-time job), but I’m still getting used to all the small bits I’m doing. These include but aren’t limited to: volunteering two days a week (and doing prep in between), going to church on a Sunday and a young adults group, calling friends, writing a bloomin’ novel, etc.

These are small things in the scheme of ones life. But I’m still getting used to them all.

Volunteering, for instance, is still new enough in my life that doing it twice a week takes up a lot of my energy because I’m thinking about it more than I would be if I was experienced at it. I’m also stepping up more; giving talks that I need to write during the week and leading worship at their chapel services. Finding my footing and learning the rhythm of how things work takes time and effort; I’ve never been in this role before so I’m putting a lot in just to get my head around it.

Same as church; it would usually be a more effortless activity, and a highlight of the week, but because I’m still relatively new I’m constantly meeting people (small talk alone is exhausting) and figuring out the church itself (where are the bathrooms – does communion get passed around or do I walk to the front – is this an announcement I need to know about); this all takes up a lot of headspace. It’s a lot to take in and process.

So yes, these activities take up three days of seven. But when I was in highschool I went to church with all my friends; it was a completely comfortable event. Sometimes tiring, of course, because we all have days where we don’t feel like going out or doing something, but going to church didn’t exhaust me. It was in my routine and I knew it well and it wasn’t stressful or uncomfortable or difficult.

Going to church then takes up the same amount of time as it does now. But the level of energy I have to apply is substantially different; I haven’t yet found the ease in my week.

I’m not used to the hours volunteering involves; I find it hard to blog on those days because the time surrounding my volunteer work feels wobbly and awkward. Beforehand I’m thinking about what my role will be and when I have to leave the house and what to wear (this might sound silly but I really have to think about what I’m wearing and it can take a while to decide because the dress code isn’t what I’m used to; I can’t easily pick out a good clothing combination like I could last year. I have to try several things on and make sure I follow their dress code and look professional). Afterwards I’m tired and processing what happened and if I suit the work. The timing is awkward so by the time I get home I feel unproductive because I work best in the morning. When I get home after volunteering all I want is a cup of tea and a movie.

If you can’t understand where I’m coming from with all of this ‘headspace’ business, think back to when you got your first job. It took at least a few weeks to get into the swing of things, didn’t it? Not only learning the role but getting it to feel natural and an ease. Learning a new routine simply takes more energy and thought.

But hey, maybe June will bring a rise in blog posts because I wrote down so many ideas this month.

Who knows. I’m just chugging along, doing the best I can.

Sarah xx