I never wanted this blog to become a chore. I never wanted it to make me not want to write for the rest of my life. I never wanted it to ruin writing for me.
And it hasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not writing about this because those things have become true. They haven’t.
I think it’s just that, in the past few days, I’ve been learning about what it means to rest. I’m only just beginning to understand this, and to understand what it is to let yourself have fun. My ‘thing’ has always been: do something if it means you can cross it off your to-do list. Cross a day off your calendar. No more June 24 2017, perfect. This assignment is handed in, perfect. And finishing things and being productive is fantastic. It’s a great feeling, and I believe that we do all have purpose, and we should put in effort and try to do things well and on time. There’s nothing wrong at all about being organised.
But when that becomes your focus and you forget about your life?
If I made plans to do something fun, or something for me on my day off so I could relax and energise myself, it usually resulted in me feeling obliged to do something ‘fun’. So I would spend twenty minutes doing something that I like, but then I would cross it off my to-do list and feel accomplished. Kind of misses the point of it being fun and relaxing, doesn’t it? It makes it a chore.
I would tell myself to read all these books in the span of two weeks so I wouldn’t have a pile of books to read. I would tell myself to do this assignment and clean my room and do this and this and this so I could feel better about my life. So I could feel in control.
How sad is that. Something perfectly fine (organising, neatness) turning into a way of coping with feeling out of control (which, while we’re being honest I may as well say this, is a lack of trust in God).
When did this blog become so deep? Far out, campers.
Anyway. I’m learning a lot about myself and about God and you guys are hearing about it. Who would’ve thought.
So I’m going to keep blogging every day. And I’m going to keep checking it off my to-do list every day. But every day I’m also going to remind myself why I love doing this. Why I started doing this. I’m going to keep this from becoming another ungodly thing in my life to earn favour of some sort with God. Because He doesn’t work like that. And I don’t want to start working like that.
Because this blog is teaching me that it’s okay to not write something ‘perfect’. Post it anyway. Make it readable for the world. It’s probably not as bad as you think. Write every day, be creative every day. Ask God what happened in your day. Know that something that happened during the day is worth telling, repeating, reflecting on.
I’m not doing this to check it off a list and to make me feel better about myself. I’m doing it because I love it. And that’s the best reason if ever I heard one.